Painted Red

Painted Red
by JJ Heller


If I could not hold a pen
I would write of You on my heart instead
You have bought me with Your blood
And I am painted red by Your love

Ooh …


If I could not say a word
My life would speak of love I don’t deserve
Hope means holding on to You
Grace means You’re holding me too


"You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalms 16:11


"How can I repay the Lord for all His goodness to me?  I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.  I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all His people."  Psalm 116:12-14


"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.  Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."  Psalm 103:1-5

The Iniquity of Us All....

I recently went on a retreat with my Sunday School class to Lake Junaluska, NC.  The Lord used this time away to remind me of who He is...and of some basic truths.  One of the verses shared on the trip was Isaiah 53:6.  

"We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all."

This is certainly not a new verse to me...nor a new concept.  However, He did bring it home a little for me.  God is not surprised at all by our humanness...just as it says in this verse...we all have gone astray.  We have each wandered, meandered, ran (choose any and all that may apply!) in another direction than toward the Father.  We have all tried to accomplish dreams or desires on our own...tried to overcome a hurdle by ourselves.  None of this is new, though I did need the reminder.  The end of this verse, however, just struck me.  Yes there is forgiveness for our wanderings and disobedience.  The Bible says in Romans 8:1-2,

"There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives you life has set you free from the law of sin and death."

Basically, Jesus already died for the sin of disobediently wandering.  And we are not to walk in condemnation for that sin that has already been forgiven.  The last part of Isaiah, though, brought a tad bit of conviction for me.  I believe that life is all about balance, and this is definitely not any different.  We are not to live as condemned people because we have grace through Jesus's death on the cross.  Yet, at the same time, we should not be so careless about that gift of grace.  "The Lord laid on Him the iniquity of us all."  There is a price for our disobedience/sin....a price that He paid.

My pastor, Steven Scoggins, said in the recent past that we should not presume upon the grace of God.  That is what I believe this verse is saying.  This verse finds the balance between grace and sin.  The first part comforts by saying...we have ALL gone astray..we are human (or evidently sheep like!) and the second sobers it up with the price for the wandering.  

I think this hit me so hard because I KNOW the Lord.  I am confident in who I am in Him.  I know what the Bible says of Him and of grace.  So, I think the conviction is just in not being apathetic about the price of grace.  I know that when I sin/make the choice to disobey, He has already forgiven me and welcomes me back into His arms.  May I always find a balance and remember that it was laid on Him and that is how I am able to walk so freely with the Father.

Lord I love You! I'm so thankful for grace and the free gift of salvation...forgive me when I've taken it too lightly!

 

Lord, Here Am I

Master Thou callest, I gladly obey; 
Only direct me, and I'll find Thy way.
Teach me the mission appointed for me,
What is my labor, and where it shall be.


Master Thou callest, and this I reply
"Ready and willing, Lord, here am I."


Willing my Savior, to take up the cross;
Willing to suffer reproaches and loss,
Willing to follow, if Thou will but lead;
Only support me with grace in my need.


Master Thou callest, and this I reply
"Ready and willing, Lord, here am I."


Living, or dying, I still would be Thine;
Yet I am mortal while Thou art divine.
Pardon, whenever I turn from the right;
Pity and bring me again to the light.


Master Thou callest, and this I reply
"Ready and willing, Lord, here am I."

Nostalgia isn't always good...neither are songs that speak your heart...

Thursday

by: Jim Croce

Well, it started out just like a dream
And like a dream
I knew that what we had
Would have to end
Cause I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend

Someone to be there after all your night-time lovers
Had gone the way they came
Someone who knew the way
To help you play your daytime game
It's not the same

Well, I started out pretending
That I've come to mean enough to you
To make you want to change
Then I came to realize
That there was just too much of you

you'd have to rearrange

And I couldn't bear to wait around
For all your nighttime lovers
To go the way they came
Then it came to hurt too much for me
To have to play your daytime games
No one's to blame

It started out just like a dream
And like a dream
I knew that what we had
Would have to end

'Cause I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend
I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend

You're beautiful....you're beautiful it's true....

Have you ever had those times where you really looked at a friend or loved one and thought....that is beauty! I think women have the hardest time feeling beautiful. We have some days where we feel it and they are the BEST ones. There is nothing like feeling beautiful. I am convinced that we are all beautiful.....we, after all were made in God's image! This picture is of my GORGEOUS niece Courtney. I don't think she'll ever know how breathtakingly beautiful she is.  She has days, like today, when she feels pretty and she just exudes confidence. These days are just too few. Here is hoping that those days become more frequent for us all.  By the way.....YOU are so beautiful!!!

Turning 30...

TURNING THIRTY
Words and Music by
Randy Stonehill

I've got a house down by the ocean
The rent is not too high
And I love to watch the ships come in
And hear the seagulls cry
And lately I've been taking stock
Of all that I've been through
Oh tomorrow is my birthday
Feels funny but it's true
I'm turning thirty

Now I've got a wife who really loves me
She makes my life so sweet
And a little baby daughter
Who plays games around my feet
And my world is very different
From those lazy bachelor years
But if I had the chance to go back
I'd rather stay right here
Turning thirty, I'm turning thirty

And I have friends that care about me
They're the best I've ever had
And they always stood behind me
Whenever times got bad
And I love to play my music
Through the road can be a trial
But every time I walk on stage
It's worth each dusty mile
Turning thirty

Now thirty ain't like fifteen
And it's not like twenty-five
My back's a little stiff
And there're some lines around my eyes
But I've still got my energy
And I've got most of my hair
And I'm not too old to rock 'n roll
And I'm not really scared
Of turning thirty

Oh, the eighties look like tough times
The world is turning sour
So I'll keep on serving Jesus
And await the final hour
And though I've often failed Him
In these thirty rocky years
His mercy brought me this far
And His love has dried my tears
I'm turning thirty
I'll treasure these years
I'm turning thirty
And that's alright
I'm turning thirty
I'm turning thirty

The River

I heard this song on Pandora today for the first time.  It is a great song and just speaks the truth. I think even when things are going well we need to be reminded of Who is with us.  He is always there to be what we need in order to be used by Him.  He is always refining us...restoring us if needed.....and I love Him for that.

The River

by Chris Tomlin

When I was held up in chains
The river was free
When I was covered in stains
The river was clean
When I was losing my way
The river found me

I can see the river
I can feel the river
I'm letting go of all I hold onto
Let it wash away

When we were broken inside
The river was love
When we were thirsty and dry
You were more than enough
When we were drowning in lies
The river saved us

I'm dancing in the river
And I'll be here forever
I'm letting go of everything but You
Carry me away

Carry me away...

Sin is crouching at your door and it's desire is for you.....

Tonight was the first night of a new Bible study that I am leading.  We are reading through the Bible by splitting up the New and Old Testament.  We read some of Genesis and Matthew each day and so on and so forth.  Anywho...one of the things that really hit me like a brick was Genesis 4:7.  At this point Cain and Abel had both brought offerings to the Lord...but God found favor with Abel's (because it was the first his flock...the BEST of what he had) but did not find favor with Cain's offering.  Cain was enraged, to say the least, that his offering did not find favor with God.  

"The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast." Genesis 4:4-5

In verse six God asks Cain why he is so downcast.  Then helped Cain realize that he had a choice:

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it's desire is for you, but you must master it." Genesis 4:7

The options are to do what is right or not do what is right.  It was Cain's choice.  The Lord also revealed the consequences of doing what was not right....he warned him that sin was awaiting him.  It desired him.  He also said that it can be mastered.

To me this is applicable to us.  I KNOW that the Lord always shows me, just like He did Cain, the choice I have before I choose to do what i know is wrong.  He often gives me a glimpse of what the consequences are.  He always reminds me that Sin waits to consume me.  It is the downfall of man.  Following the right road, and doing what the Lord advises ALWAYS leads to good...ALWAYS!  I think that if I remembered the aggressive and wicked nature of sin...that it's desire is for me, then I would run...flee...escape....catapult myself as far away from it as possible.  Yet I don't...I, at times, find myself like Lot putting my tent near the sin...and end up right smack in the middle of it.

I also realized that God has given me the ability to MASTER it.  1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that God provides a way out of temptation. He does this through the Holy Spirit...the way out comes at the point where he says...you can choose to say this...or you can do what is right and refrain.  It is always there....but I act like I can't control it.  This thought is contrary to what this Scripture teaches us.  We do not have to let sin get what it craves (to consume us) we can stop it.  As He-man once said, "I have the powerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Um...yeah...well, the Lord has given the power...but nonetheless...the power is ours.

There's a Stirring Deep Within Me....

This stirring, however, is not from the Lord.  It is a restlessness that only comes from the enemy.  I know that. Yet it is hard to shake it.  I want to be like Paul and learn to be content in all situations...and, at times, I have been like that.  It is just difficult sometimes...especially when you have echoes of deceiving thoughts circling in your head; and worst of all...in your heart.  It is ONLY at times when the enemy is working his "magic" that I feel a sense of urgency to fix whatever is going on.  When the Lord stirs my heart...there is peace and a sense of calm that allows me to wait until He is finished with what He desires to do.  The Bible tells me to "Be anxious of NOTHING, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7  Which, as I remind myself of this verse....means I need to go spend some time in conversation with the One who loves my soul. I pray for you as well...if you find yourself in a similar place.

Shout out to Carl for helping me redesign my blog! Thanks Carl!

As Iron Sharpens Iron...

I have known, but sometimes forget, how blessed I have been in my life with godly friendships. It is such a blessing to have like-minded women (and men on occasion) to walk with on this journey. I truly believe that the Lord knows the struggles we face...the difficulties and heartache that this life can bring....and therefore...allows us to have each other. He made us relational beings so we can lift each other up...lean on one another...carry each other's burdens. So that we may sharpen each other and spur one another on toward good deeds. I have been so fortunate in every stage of my Christian life to have such people around me. I pray that I have been as good a friend to them as they all have been to me.

Recently, I have been struggling a bit with where I am in life. (More posts to come about that I'm sure) The Lord has opened conversations with several friends and myself that has just allowed TRUTH to be poured into my heart like a salve. I'm so grateful for this. One sweet friend passed this song along to me...and it has been a blessing. It is such a spirit lifter and reminder of who we are in Him...and who He is to us.

Take Heart My Friend

by Fernando Ortega

Take heart, my friend, we'll go together
This uncertain road that lies ahead
Our faithful God has always gone before
And He will lead the way once again

Take heart, my friend, we can walk together
And if our burdens become too great
We can hold up and help one another
In God's love, in God's grace

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night

If we should falter when trouble surrounds us
When the wind and the waves are wild and high
We will look away to Him who rules the waters;
Who speaks His peace into the angry tide

He is our comfort, our sustainer
He is our help in time of need
When we wander, He is our Shepherd
He who watches over us never sleeps

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender every night

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night.

Lord, I am unworthy of Your mercy and grace....may I show my thankfulness by striving to follow hard after You!

You Blockhead!

Do you ever feel like Charlie Brown? Does it ever seem like you can't get it right? At times I feel like this...I have such potential (as our beloved Charlie does) but I just get in my own way. This results in me being a blockhead! I feel that I have at my fingertips the ability to achieve my hearts desire. This has been a plague over me for a while now...but I feel a change in the air. A change in my heart. I have been so renewed with this new beginning that is 2010! I feel that I have my focus back and I'm ready to charge forward. Oh Father...how I am anticipating what you have in store for me. I pray that I'm faithfully following hard after you this year! I'm ready...here am I send me!

My Desire

by Jeremy Camp

You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King

[Chorus:]
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

[Chorus]

All my life I have seen where you've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done so I give my hands to use

[Chorus]

Moving on Sometimes Takes Music and the Truth-even when it hurts!

"The Devil In Me"

sung by Kate Voegele

Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?

Took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died

Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain

So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me

Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights
The end of October felt like a lifetime

I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right

You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better

[Chorus]

And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining
The sensation of no Novocain

[Chorus]

I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part

Ego-Feeding and Fearing the unknown

I'm kind of hoping this post just floats into space and doesn't get noticed...its mostly for me. Yet perhaps its for other women out there that are similar...maybe I'm not the only female cursed with this affliction. I'm not really quite sure when it started but I do know that it is a pattern that only I can break. You see....I'm an ego-feeder....I notoriously find myself in weird and unhealthy situations with males where my part is just to hang around a bit and compliment them enough to feed their ego. Who wouldn't want someone in their life that they don't have to at the least take out on a date...and at the most commit to in a dating relationship...and yet will still make them feel great about themselves and spend quality time with them. I'm pretty sure it started in seminary...with two different fellas. You'd think I'd learn from then to now...but turns out...it must be innate within me. I'm not sure how to get past this crazy disease?! I'm pretty certain that this whole dating thing should not be this hard...why am I so eager to fill a role that should come only after I've been given some sort of comittment (again at the least an official date) in return. I have been resolved to believe that I think more of myself than being so desperate....resolved to think that I'm not desperate at all. Then why does it keep happening. And why are these fellas so incapable of putting themselves out there and asking me and my phenominally amazing friends out?? I mean we've all been hurt....but you have to be willing to risk it in order to get something good to come out of that hurt. It will always just remain a pain in your heart until you make yourself vulnerable and allow something better to come in and erase it. I'm sorry for what those evil women did to hurt you in the past...but you know what? I'm not her...my spectacular friends are not her either...we are us and are equally vulnerable in these situations. But it MUST be worth it...at some point...with someone....love can bring healing.....it can make you forget. I believe C.S. Lewis has it right...(of course)....“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” So here's hoping...that I will be smarter with my ego-feeding ways....and with balancing the vulnerability with wisdom. And here's knowing that I have my Father who cares about it all....and who knows what is best....and who can teach me about this chaos that is dating at this stage of life. Praise God that I know....I am His....and He has a plan....may I just not be so distracted by the desires of my heart and be able to focus fully on Him!

I'm back!

It has been soo long since I last posted...I doubt anyone still blogs anymore! I miss blogging...it is such a great outlet for my thoughts! So, I'm hoping to keep this thing updated...we'll see how it goes. I'll post more soon! :)

Ten years ago today.

It started like any other day. I woke up even though I didn't want to, got ready for school and headed out the door. That is where the normality of October 18, 1996 ended. It was ended by a white ford ranger. Ten years ago I was in an accident that I should not have been able to walk away from. I was broadsided (on my side of the car) by a truck. He was going 55 mph (in a 25mph zone) and I was barely going 5 mph. I woke up after being hit, cut off the radio (which I always thought was weird) and found myself facing the direction I had just come from. I had been spun several times by the impact of the blow. A man ran up to my window and asked if I was okay...I asked him if I could get out of the car...he told me I had glass in my ear, and then he removed it for me. Of course, it all felt like a dream. The damage from the crash completely totaled my car. I walked away from the accident with a bruised hip from where the door smashed in on me, scratches on my neck from the seatbelt I was wearing and a sore neck from being smacked upside the head at 55 mph!
My wreck has been on my mind all day long. I've thought over and over about what all has happened to me in the last ten years. I've met some amazing people and some I'd rather have not met. I have seen beautiful places here in my country and in two other countries. I've had the opportunity to be used by Him to change the lives of those around me...and I've chosen to miss opportunities to change lives. There are many things I'm proud of in those ten years. Yet I am not proud of where I am today. I hit a few bumps the road. Each bump was medium in impact, yet each chiseled away slowly at my core. The last bump proved to be too much for me. I feel the enemy won those battles. So today, I think to myself, should be a day of change. No longer will I allow myself to dwell in the heaviness of disappointments. I cannot keep this snail-like pace of getting back to where I must be. I have a purpose that I am reminded of when I think of that wreck. My life could have easily been taken. I've known that the Lord wants to use me in a big way....but I'm always holding myself back. I wish that I could say that I'm ready to "dive in" today, but I'm not. I am ready, however, for change. I'm ready to live with a purpose. I'm ready to get back to the mentality that life is simply opportunity for ministry everyday. I want to be able to say, at then end of the next decade, that I did my best to live God's purpose for my life. I want to be a servant. I want to be known as a servant. I want to have the heart of Jesus and the drive of Martha and the passion of Peter with the humility of David and the ability to teach like Paul. I pray that I do not live defeated. Father, help me not to live defeated. I know You are not done with me and I'm so thankful for the reminder!

Chaotic Katrina

I'm ashamed to say that I have been avoiding the subject of Katrina, but that is exactly the truth, so why lie! Honestly I know it can be depressing to be surrounded by it all over the media and not have an oultet for the emotions it envokes. Yet again I feel guilty because I am able to escape the distruction and so many are not able to. My wish in writing this is to simply let out my feelings and concern for the people who are having to see it on a daily basis. Honestly, I'd love nothing more than to be with them, hugging on them, and picking up debri and helping to rebuild thier lives and homes. It breaks my heart to hear so many of them on TV crying out that no one cares for this reason or that...especially when it is not the case. We do care. Its unfortunate to me that everyone, especially the media, are detrimentally focused on all the people to blame and less focused on what is actually being done to help them. We know where the blame lies.....it was the hurricane! Who can prepare for the distruction that it caused?? And if you do figure out someone to blame....what good is it going to do you?? That will not help rebuild your homes, it will not bring back the people who have died, and it will not erase from your minds the horror that you might have seen in the disaster. It will not benefit anyone. Instead the focus needs to be on what IS being done to help those in need and those who are caring for them. We must remember that faith is believing in what is not seen. So that means believing something is being done even when you don't see the direct results. Help cannot be immediate for everyone...yet it will come! It breaks my heart to hear and see those who are taking advantage by stealing, and preventing help from coming by being violent. It also breaks my heart to see that there are still those who believe that race would actually stop someone from wanting to help. I had thought we were growing passed that....but I guess I'm just naive. Well, I feel like I'm starting to ramble so I must stop. Please, remember to pray for these people for God's provision, protection and peace. He is able to bring about good from bad situations. We must pray that He will show Himself in this trajedy and that people will see Him, maybe even for the first time. That is the best thing that could happen from this chaos!

Leave a legacy

I've always said that when I die I want people to say of me that I served as Jesus did. I try to live my life accordingly. I have gone through a bit of a rough time, as most of you know, and was very me-focus for what seemed like forever. Slowly, I'm being brought back to this place where a deep longing is to serve. I'm reminded of it while I'm at my new job and am refreshed by all the possiblities it has given me to serve others. I am looking into volunteering for an organization called Young Life that works with youth and children in Montgomery; which is another outlet for service. I am so excited about getting back on track with this. I also see another opportunity to serve and it may be as simple as befriending an old woman. Today I was walking back from lunch and this old woman started talking to me...mind you I was a ways away from her, so I tried to walk towards her a bit. I was cautious at first because I wasn't sure if it was a man or not! She seemed to fit the bill for a homeless person right down to her grocery cart, but I'm not sure at this point. She started saying something about Thursday or Friday and then I heard skirts??? I ask her what she said and she repeated that if I'd like to give away some skirts she'd take them....but something about paying thursday or friday. I was still trying to be cautious, because my dad says I'm a sucker, so I said okay and to have a nice day. When I went inside I found another co-worker, who I think is a Christian, and I asked her if she knew anything about the woman. I was told that this woman is always asking for clothes and things but they weren't sure what she did with them. My co-worker said she had spoken with her before and thinks that she might get some sort of government check but her family takes it before she can get it. My heart is broken for her and I remember where Jesus says, "whatsoever you do for the least of these, you do also unto me." And I don't think it matters what she does with the clothes, because it is something she says she needs. So I am praying that the Lord will show me ways to reach her. And perhaps give me opportunity to get to know her. I'm going to be honest and say that it is not the most comfortable thought for me....it is definately a step out there. Yet, I know that if I were this woman.....a friendship with someone who cared would speak volumes. Please pray for me as I encounter this woman. Pray that I will be sensitive to the Lord's leading and that I would be proactive in what He is leading! I don't want to miss any opportunities to serve and I know that the number one thing that can stand in my way of it....is myself! I'm looking forward to how I'm grown through it. Have a great week and remember JOY...Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last!

Bird Death Count
Babies: 15
Adults: 2

The Worlds Children

I began watching this report on Dateline NBC tonight but couldn't bare it. I felt horrible that these kids have to live with this situation and I could choose to turn it off and watch something else. So I decided to write a post about it. When I see things like this, and the Aids epidemic in Africa, it just saddens me. I feel helpless that I cannot help these people or these children out. I cannot imagine all the things that these kids have had to endure. I could write more and maybe will later about this, but I will just say that if you have time....read this article. Perhaps it will bring your day or your trials into perspective. And my fellow Chrisitans...we need to pray for these innocent children. The terrorist is doing this in the name of Christ and we must pray that he is stopped!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9006024/

Quotes from C.S. Lewis

"I do not think all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road. A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on."


"They've got cinemas and fish and chip shops and advertisements and all the sort of things they want. The appalling lack of any intellectual life doesn't worry them." The Great Divorce