You Blockhead!

Do you ever feel like Charlie Brown? Does it ever seem like you can't get it right? At times I feel like this...I have such potential (as our beloved Charlie does) but I just get in my own way. This results in me being a blockhead! I feel that I have at my fingertips the ability to achieve my hearts desire. This has been a plague over me for a while now...but I feel a change in the air. A change in my heart. I have been so renewed with this new beginning that is 2010! I feel that I have my focus back and I'm ready to charge forward. Oh Father...how I am anticipating what you have in store for me. I pray that I'm faithfully following hard after you this year! I'm ready...here am I send me!

My Desire

by Jeremy Camp

You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King

[Chorus:]
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

[Chorus]

All my life I have seen where you've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done so I give my hands to use

[Chorus]

Moving on Sometimes Takes Music and the Truth-even when it hurts!

"The Devil In Me"

sung by Kate Voegele

Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?

Took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died

Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain

So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me

Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights
The end of October felt like a lifetime

I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right

You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better

[Chorus]

And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining
The sensation of no Novocain

[Chorus]

I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part

Ego-Feeding and Fearing the unknown

I'm kind of hoping this post just floats into space and doesn't get noticed...its mostly for me. Yet perhaps its for other women out there that are similar...maybe I'm not the only female cursed with this affliction. I'm not really quite sure when it started but I do know that it is a pattern that only I can break. You see....I'm an ego-feeder....I notoriously find myself in weird and unhealthy situations with males where my part is just to hang around a bit and compliment them enough to feed their ego. Who wouldn't want someone in their life that they don't have to at the least take out on a date...and at the most commit to in a dating relationship...and yet will still make them feel great about themselves and spend quality time with them. I'm pretty sure it started in seminary...with two different fellas. You'd think I'd learn from then to now...but turns out...it must be innate within me. I'm not sure how to get past this crazy disease?! I'm pretty certain that this whole dating thing should not be this hard...why am I so eager to fill a role that should come only after I've been given some sort of comittment (again at the least an official date) in return. I have been resolved to believe that I think more of myself than being so desperate....resolved to think that I'm not desperate at all. Then why does it keep happening. And why are these fellas so incapable of putting themselves out there and asking me and my phenominally amazing friends out?? I mean we've all been hurt....but you have to be willing to risk it in order to get something good to come out of that hurt. It will always just remain a pain in your heart until you make yourself vulnerable and allow something better to come in and erase it. I'm sorry for what those evil women did to hurt you in the past...but you know what? I'm not her...my spectacular friends are not her either...we are us and are equally vulnerable in these situations. But it MUST be worth it...at some point...with someone....love can bring healing.....it can make you forget. I believe C.S. Lewis has it right...(of course)....“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” So here's hoping...that I will be smarter with my ego-feeding ways....and with balancing the vulnerability with wisdom. And here's knowing that I have my Father who cares about it all....and who knows what is best....and who can teach me about this chaos that is dating at this stage of life. Praise God that I know....I am His....and He has a plan....may I just not be so distracted by the desires of my heart and be able to focus fully on Him!

I'm back!

It has been soo long since I last posted...I doubt anyone still blogs anymore! I miss blogging...it is such a great outlet for my thoughts! So, I'm hoping to keep this thing updated...we'll see how it goes. I'll post more soon! :)

Ten years ago today.

It started like any other day. I woke up even though I didn't want to, got ready for school and headed out the door. That is where the normality of October 18, 1996 ended. It was ended by a white ford ranger. Ten years ago I was in an accident that I should not have been able to walk away from. I was broadsided (on my side of the car) by a truck. He was going 55 mph (in a 25mph zone) and I was barely going 5 mph. I woke up after being hit, cut off the radio (which I always thought was weird) and found myself facing the direction I had just come from. I had been spun several times by the impact of the blow. A man ran up to my window and asked if I was okay...I asked him if I could get out of the car...he told me I had glass in my ear, and then he removed it for me. Of course, it all felt like a dream. The damage from the crash completely totaled my car. I walked away from the accident with a bruised hip from where the door smashed in on me, scratches on my neck from the seatbelt I was wearing and a sore neck from being smacked upside the head at 55 mph!
My wreck has been on my mind all day long. I've thought over and over about what all has happened to me in the last ten years. I've met some amazing people and some I'd rather have not met. I have seen beautiful places here in my country and in two other countries. I've had the opportunity to be used by Him to change the lives of those around me...and I've chosen to miss opportunities to change lives. There are many things I'm proud of in those ten years. Yet I am not proud of where I am today. I hit a few bumps the road. Each bump was medium in impact, yet each chiseled away slowly at my core. The last bump proved to be too much for me. I feel the enemy won those battles. So today, I think to myself, should be a day of change. No longer will I allow myself to dwell in the heaviness of disappointments. I cannot keep this snail-like pace of getting back to where I must be. I have a purpose that I am reminded of when I think of that wreck. My life could have easily been taken. I've known that the Lord wants to use me in a big way....but I'm always holding myself back. I wish that I could say that I'm ready to "dive in" today, but I'm not. I am ready, however, for change. I'm ready to live with a purpose. I'm ready to get back to the mentality that life is simply opportunity for ministry everyday. I want to be able to say, at then end of the next decade, that I did my best to live God's purpose for my life. I want to be a servant. I want to be known as a servant. I want to have the heart of Jesus and the drive of Martha and the passion of Peter with the humility of David and the ability to teach like Paul. I pray that I do not live defeated. Father, help me not to live defeated. I know You are not done with me and I'm so thankful for the reminder!

Chaotic Katrina

I'm ashamed to say that I have been avoiding the subject of Katrina, but that is exactly the truth, so why lie! Honestly I know it can be depressing to be surrounded by it all over the media and not have an oultet for the emotions it envokes. Yet again I feel guilty because I am able to escape the distruction and so many are not able to. My wish in writing this is to simply let out my feelings and concern for the people who are having to see it on a daily basis. Honestly, I'd love nothing more than to be with them, hugging on them, and picking up debri and helping to rebuild thier lives and homes. It breaks my heart to hear so many of them on TV crying out that no one cares for this reason or that...especially when it is not the case. We do care. Its unfortunate to me that everyone, especially the media, are detrimentally focused on all the people to blame and less focused on what is actually being done to help them. We know where the blame lies.....it was the hurricane! Who can prepare for the distruction that it caused?? And if you do figure out someone to blame....what good is it going to do you?? That will not help rebuild your homes, it will not bring back the people who have died, and it will not erase from your minds the horror that you might have seen in the disaster. It will not benefit anyone. Instead the focus needs to be on what IS being done to help those in need and those who are caring for them. We must remember that faith is believing in what is not seen. So that means believing something is being done even when you don't see the direct results. Help cannot be immediate for everyone...yet it will come! It breaks my heart to hear and see those who are taking advantage by stealing, and preventing help from coming by being violent. It also breaks my heart to see that there are still those who believe that race would actually stop someone from wanting to help. I had thought we were growing passed that....but I guess I'm just naive. Well, I feel like I'm starting to ramble so I must stop. Please, remember to pray for these people for God's provision, protection and peace. He is able to bring about good from bad situations. We must pray that He will show Himself in this trajedy and that people will see Him, maybe even for the first time. That is the best thing that could happen from this chaos!

Leave a legacy

I've always said that when I die I want people to say of me that I served as Jesus did. I try to live my life accordingly. I have gone through a bit of a rough time, as most of you know, and was very me-focus for what seemed like forever. Slowly, I'm being brought back to this place where a deep longing is to serve. I'm reminded of it while I'm at my new job and am refreshed by all the possiblities it has given me to serve others. I am looking into volunteering for an organization called Young Life that works with youth and children in Montgomery; which is another outlet for service. I am so excited about getting back on track with this. I also see another opportunity to serve and it may be as simple as befriending an old woman. Today I was walking back from lunch and this old woman started talking to me...mind you I was a ways away from her, so I tried to walk towards her a bit. I was cautious at first because I wasn't sure if it was a man or not! She seemed to fit the bill for a homeless person right down to her grocery cart, but I'm not sure at this point. She started saying something about Thursday or Friday and then I heard skirts??? I ask her what she said and she repeated that if I'd like to give away some skirts she'd take them....but something about paying thursday or friday. I was still trying to be cautious, because my dad says I'm a sucker, so I said okay and to have a nice day. When I went inside I found another co-worker, who I think is a Christian, and I asked her if she knew anything about the woman. I was told that this woman is always asking for clothes and things but they weren't sure what she did with them. My co-worker said she had spoken with her before and thinks that she might get some sort of government check but her family takes it before she can get it. My heart is broken for her and I remember where Jesus says, "whatsoever you do for the least of these, you do also unto me." And I don't think it matters what she does with the clothes, because it is something she says she needs. So I am praying that the Lord will show me ways to reach her. And perhaps give me opportunity to get to know her. I'm going to be honest and say that it is not the most comfortable thought for me....it is definately a step out there. Yet, I know that if I were this woman.....a friendship with someone who cared would speak volumes. Please pray for me as I encounter this woman. Pray that I will be sensitive to the Lord's leading and that I would be proactive in what He is leading! I don't want to miss any opportunities to serve and I know that the number one thing that can stand in my way of it....is myself! I'm looking forward to how I'm grown through it. Have a great week and remember JOY...Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last!

Bird Death Count
Babies: 15
Adults: 2