Long ago, on
Facebook, as a single woman, I posted a comment about how I looked forward to
the day I’d have my husband to love and lean on. This was before I learned my lesson regarding
posting personal thoughts on social media.
I’ve since learned that it is a breeding ground for being bombarded by
unsolicited opinions of others. At the
time, my heart felt like it would burst because of how much I longed for the
companionship of my husband. See, I was
in my late 20’s at the time and I had never really dated. (There was this guy in my youth group that
held my hand for three weeks…but he would have dated a gnat…so it’s not worth
counting.) Anywho, back to the Facebook
post…one acquaintance, we will call her Rae, that I knew from college made a
comment that I will never forget. She
stated that I shouldn’t have “rose colored glasses when it came to marriage”
and that “it was no walk in the park.”
Okay, if I were to be completely honest with you I would admit I almost
lost my Jesus for a second and really wanted to punch her square in the
throat. Instead, I just pointed out that
she wouldn’t give it up if she had a choice so it couldn’t be all bad. She agreed…and I felt vindicated!!!
The truth is I
didn’t think I had any rose colored glasses regarding marriage. My parents divorced my freshman year of
college after being married for 20 years.
I saw the ugliness of marriage. I
thought that most of it was because Jesus wasn’t at the center of my parent’s
relationship, but I knew it was difficult regardless.
Another truth…Rae
wasn’t wrong. Her approach was wrong…her
wording was wrong…but fast forward to almost a decade later when I was walking
in her shoes as a wife and I realized her heart was in the right place. I couldn’t see it before. Her words just hurt and seemed unnecessary. I learned later though that the message she
was trying to impart to me was absolute truth.
So, before I share what I believe the Lord has given me to pass along to
you, I am praying that you will forgive and see past anything that may be
expressed poorly. I pray that you will
hear my heart for you.
I do have a
couple of disclaimers as well before I begin.
One, you read above that I am married and some of you may be closing out
your browsers because of it. Remember
when I said I never really dated? My
first real boyfriend didn’t come along until I was 31 years old. Thank Jesus that didn’t last long but that’s another
story for another day! I met my husband
when I was 33 years old, we were engaged five days after I turned 35, and I
became his bride four months before my 36th birthday. This coming February we will have been
married for three years. I share all of
this to say that I was single for much longer than I have been un-single! (HA!)
So I still relate to you.
Sometimes, although brief, I have to remind myself that I am not still
one of you. When I say my heart is for
you…trust me…my heart is for you.
Disclaimer
number two, I realize there are those of you that are absolutely ROCKING singleness…you
totally have it all together. Your eyes
are on the Lord and you are SOLID! You
may not have as much to glean from this post as others, but I pray that there
will be a nugget for you. Man, I prayed
so often to be you and, at times, I was you…though not for very long. Truthfully, my contentment and focus on the
Lord waxed and waned. May this post, if
nothing else, encourage and spur you onward!
SO, without
further ado…here are a couple things I’ve learned while being on the “other
side.”
1) If I’d known then what I know now, I’d
spend ZERO time pining and longing for my husband and would’ve set my sights on
Him alone! As a single woman, well even
just as a human, I would cling to Psalm 37:4 (NIV) “Delight yourself in the
Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I spent so much time focusing on the “desires
of my heart.” I even, without realizing
it, tried to figure out how to manipulate the “delighting in Him” so that I
could get my desires fulfilled. Maybe He
wasn’t giving me my desires because I didn’t desire Him in some particular
way. Ladies, there is so much goodness…SO…MUCH…GOODNESS…in
just delighting in Him!! Take some time
to write that part of the verse down somewhere and keep it where you can see
it. Write Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself
in the Lord” and stop right there. For
most of us, I’m willing to bet, that is enough to keep us busy for…well…eternity! (Lord, may we delight in You for no other
reason than the fact that You are delightful!)
He is prize enough. The sooner we
see that the sooner we stop striving, the quicker contentment will find us.
2) As a single woman I often felt that
being married and having a loving, Godly husband would solve so many
problems! Car troubles? Husbands can deal with that so you don’t have
to. Stinky trash? Husbands can take it out so you don’t have
to. Feeling lonely? Husbands can cuddle, hug, and spend time with
you so you don’t have to be alone. That’s
what you may think. Truth is, as a
single woman I had 99 problems but as a married woman I have 99 different
problems. There are two of us now…and we
are both imperfect humans. I used to get so irritated at Paul in 1 Corinthians
7:1 when he says it is good for man not to marry. Since being married, I get what he is
saying. Marriage is good and Holy but
man does it bring huge distractions. The
enemy has been most successful in getting me spiritually off track since getting
married. It is so easy to be
hyper-focused on my husband and his happiness instead of on the Lord. Also, those 99 single lady problems that I
thought would be solved…there have been times in my marriage where I have never
felt more alone. Marriage was supposed
to solve my loneliness. I also had so
many insecurities as a single woman. I expected
that when I got married those would all go away. After all, this man chose me. He must love me and think I’m the most
beautiful woman on the planet! I was so
wrong…I’ve never been so insecure in my life.
Don’t misread this, it is not because of my husband. These insecurities…are my own. I thought marriage would cure them but my husband
is not the cure that I need. It’s
Jesus. If you are looking for a husband
to solve your problems, chances are you aren’t focused on the Lord. He is truly sufficient to meet your needs and
even your desires. A husband is not God’s
design to do that for you…he could never be your Savior. That is too much pressure and your marriage
will suffer if you look to your husband to save you from your problems.
There is much
that I have learned that I wish that I would have known as a single woman. I wasted so much of the Lord’s time!! Who knows what He would have had for me if I
directed all that longing to Him! What
an adventure we would have had. I’ll
never get that time back…but you still have it.
You are not a lady in waiting.
You have purpose right now that can only be accomplished during this season
in your life. Embrace it…embrace
Him! Ladies, delight in Him…and then HE
will be the desire of your heart…just as it should be.
Soli
Deo Gloria
(Only
for His glory)
Abbey
Just a side note: Married ladies, we are not being helpful
women if we are not being honest with our single sisters by not sharing openly
about marriage. I’m not saying to
publicly bash your husband or air personal dirty laundry, but don’t share only
the good. Be honest about the hard
stuff. Don’t post only the happy, fuzzy,
warm things. Post about the ugly,
honest, difficult things. That is all…
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