Ego-Feeding and Fearing the unknown

I'm kind of hoping this post just floats into space and doesn't get noticed...its mostly for me. Yet perhaps its for other women out there that are similar...maybe I'm not the only female cursed with this affliction. I'm not really quite sure when it started but I do know that it is a pattern that only I can break. You see....I'm an ego-feeder....I notoriously find myself in weird and unhealthy situations with males where my part is just to hang around a bit and compliment them enough to feed their ego. Who wouldn't want someone in their life that they don't have to at the least take out on a date...and at the most commit to in a dating relationship...and yet will still make them feel great about themselves and spend quality time with them. I'm pretty sure it started in seminary...with two different fellas. You'd think I'd learn from then to now...but turns out...it must be innate within me. I'm not sure how to get past this crazy disease?! I'm pretty certain that this whole dating thing should not be this hard...why am I so eager to fill a role that should come only after I've been given some sort of comittment (again at the least an official date) in return. I have been resolved to believe that I think more of myself than being so desperate....resolved to think that I'm not desperate at all. Then why does it keep happening. And why are these fellas so incapable of putting themselves out there and asking me and my phenominally amazing friends out?? I mean we've all been hurt....but you have to be willing to risk it in order to get something good to come out of that hurt. It will always just remain a pain in your heart until you make yourself vulnerable and allow something better to come in and erase it. I'm sorry for what those evil women did to hurt you in the past...but you know what? I'm not her...my spectacular friends are not her either...we are us and are equally vulnerable in these situations. But it MUST be worth it...at some point...with someone....love can bring healing.....it can make you forget. I believe C.S. Lewis has it right...(of course)....“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” So here's hoping...that I will be smarter with my ego-feeding ways....and with balancing the vulnerability with wisdom. And here's knowing that I have my Father who cares about it all....and who knows what is best....and who can teach me about this chaos that is dating at this stage of life. Praise God that I know....I am His....and He has a plan....may I just not be so distracted by the desires of my heart and be able to focus fully on Him!