All My Single Ladies

Long ago, on Facebook, as a single woman, I posted a comment about how I looked forward to the day I’d have my husband to love and lean on.  This was before I learned my lesson regarding posting personal thoughts on social media.  I’ve since learned that it is a breeding ground for being bombarded by unsolicited opinions of others.  At the time, my heart felt like it would burst because of how much I longed for the companionship of my husband.  See, I was in my late 20’s at the time and I had never really dated.  (There was this guy in my youth group that held my hand for three weeks…but he would have dated a gnat…so it’s not worth counting.)  Anywho, back to the Facebook post…one acquaintance, we will call her Rae, that I knew from college made a comment that I will never forget.  She stated that I shouldn’t have “rose colored glasses when it came to marriage” and that “it was no walk in the park.”  Okay, if I were to be completely honest with you I would admit I almost lost my Jesus for a second and really wanted to punch her square in the throat.  Instead, I just pointed out that she wouldn’t give it up if she had a choice so it couldn’t be all bad.  She agreed…and I felt vindicated!!!

The truth is I didn’t think I had any rose colored glasses regarding marriage.  My parents divorced my freshman year of college after being married for 20 years.  I saw the ugliness of marriage.  I thought that most of it was because Jesus wasn’t at the center of my parent’s relationship, but I knew it was difficult regardless.

Another truth…Rae wasn’t wrong.  Her approach was wrong…her wording was wrong…but fast forward to almost a decade later when I was walking in her shoes as a wife and I realized her heart was in the right place.  I couldn’t see it before.  Her words just hurt and seemed unnecessary.  I learned later though that the message she was trying to impart to me was absolute truth.  So, before I share what I believe the Lord has given me to pass along to you, I am praying that you will forgive and see past anything that may be expressed poorly.  I pray that you will hear my heart for you.

I do have a couple of disclaimers as well before I begin.  One, you read above that I am married and some of you may be closing out your browsers because of it.  Remember when I said I never really dated?  My first real boyfriend didn’t come along until I was 31 years old.  Thank Jesus that didn’t last long but that’s another story for another day!  I met my husband when I was 33 years old, we were engaged five days after I turned 35, and I became his bride four months before my 36^th birthday.  This coming February we will have been married for three years.  I share all of this to say that I was single for much longer than I have been un-single!  (HA!)  So I still relate to you.  Sometimes, although brief, I have to remind myself that I am not still one of you.  When I say my heart is for you…trust me…my heart is for you.

Disclaimer number two, I realize there are those of you that are absolutely ROCKING singleness…you totally have it all together.  Your eyes are on the Lord and you are SOLID!  You may not have as much to glean from this post as others, but I pray that there will be a nugget for you.  Man, I prayed so often to be you and, at times, I was you…though not for very long.  Truthfully, my contentment and focus on the Lord waxed and waned.  May this post, if nothing else, encourage and spur you onward!

SO, without further ado…here are a couple things I’ve learned while being on the “other side.”

1)       If I’d known then what I know now, I’d spend ZERO time pining and longing for my husband and would’ve set my sights on Him alone!  As a single woman, well even just as a human, I would cling to Psalm 37:4 (NIV) “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  I spent so much time focusing on the “desires of my heart.”  I even, without realizing it, tried to figure out how to manipulate the “delighting in Him” so that I could get my desires fulfilled.  Maybe He wasn’t giving me my desires because I didn’t desire Him in some particular way.  Ladies, there is so much goodness…SO…MUCH…GOODNESS…in just delighting in Him!!  Take some time to write that part of the verse down somewhere and keep it where you can see it.  Write Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord” and stop right there.  For most of us, I’m willing to bet, that is enough to keep us busy for…well…eternity!  (Lord, may we delight in You for no other reason than the fact that You are delightful!)  He is prize enough.  The sooner we see that the sooner we stop striving, the quicker contentment will find us. 

2)       As a single woman I often felt that being married and having a loving, Godly husband would solve so many problems!  Car troubles?  Husbands can deal with that so you don’t have to.  Stinky trash?  Husbands can take it out so you don’t have to.  Feeling lonely?  Husbands can cuddle, hug, and spend time with you so you don’t have to be alone.  That’s what you may think.  Truth is, as a single woman I had 99 problems but as a married woman I have 99 different problems.  There are two of us now…and we are both imperfect humans. I used to get so irritated at Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:1 when he says it is good for man not to marry.  Since being married, I get what he is saying.  Marriage is good and Holy but man does it bring huge distractions.  The enemy has been most successful in getting me spiritually off track since getting married.  It is so easy to be hyper-focused on my husband and his happiness instead of on the Lord.  Also, those 99 single lady problems that I thought would be solved…there have been times in my marriage where I have never felt more alone.  Marriage was supposed to solve my loneliness.  I also had so many insecurities as a single woman.  I expected that when I got married those would all go away.  After all, this man chose me.  He must love me and think I’m the most beautiful woman on the planet!  I was so wrong…I’ve never been so insecure in my life.  Don’t misread this, it is not because of my husband.  These insecurities…are my own.  I thought marriage would cure them but my husband is not the cure that I need.  It’s Jesus.  If you are looking for a husband to solve your problems, chances are you aren’t focused on the Lord.  He is truly sufficient to meet your needs and even your desires.  A husband is not God’s design to do that for you…he could never be your Savior.  That is too much pressure and your marriage will suffer if you look to your husband to save you from your problems.

There is much that I have learned that I wish that I would have known as a single woman.  I wasted so much of the Lord’s time!!  Who knows what He would have had for me if I directed all that longing to Him!  What an adventure we would have had.  I’ll never get that time back…but you still have it.  You are not a lady in waiting.  You have purpose right now that can only be accomplished during this season in your life.  Embrace it…embrace Him!  Ladies, delight in Him…and then HE will be the desire of your heart…just as it should be.

                                                                                    Soli Deo Gloria

                                                                                    (Only for His glory)

                                                                                    Abbey

Just a side note:  Married ladies, we are not being helpful women if we are not being honest with our single sisters by not sharing openly about marriage.  I’m not saying to publicly bash your husband or air personal dirty laundry, but don’t share only the good.  Be honest about the hard stuff.  Don’t post only the happy, fuzzy, warm things.  Post about the ugly, honest, difficult things.  That is all…

           

Sans Facebook...

I've decided the world has gone crazy...and it is perpetuated by Facebook.  The racial tension is so thick you can cut it.  The animosity over faith vs atheism...gay marriage vs biblical marriage...republican vs democrat...legalism vs grace...seems so heightened right now.  So...after the emotional dealings with two friend's posts...I've gone and done it.  I've said goodbye to Facebook.  Today is day 3, I think, and I couldn't feel freer.  I was actually thinking about it since worship on Sunday how much time I spend on that stupid site.  Then in youth Wednesday night I was challenged to make a change.  My thoughts were sobering when I realized that I faithfully...regularly throughout the day check Facebook...I do not faithfully, regularly throughout the day read His Word...or sometimes even pray.  I have gone several days without either...or both.  There is a problem.  I was in need of a regrouping...a refocusing.  Facebook has truly (and I mean this in the least little old church lady way possible) become a tool of the enemy.  Its a hidden weapon of division and hate.  I lost a really really treasured friend because of it.  I regret it so much.  There is a song that a friend shared with me a couple weeks ago that has also contributed to helping me make this decision...it says "let it not be said of me that I withhold anything from You."  I mean it...I don't want to withhold anything from Him...not the money he provides me...and most definitely not an addiction to Social media.  Since being away from Facebook I've been more prayerful about little things around me...because I don't have my face shoved in my phone to see who has posted what...or who liked that really clever thing I said.  I am more aware of His presence.  I've read more of His word in the last three days then I have in the past several months.  I'm finally getting back to where I need to be.  I've become less discontent with where I am in life...and more focused on who He is.  I'm less self-focused and more kingdom focused.  I'm so grateful that He doesn't tire of me...His patience...grace...mercy...they are endless.  I'm exhausting no doubt.  I tire of me...but He does not.  He lovingly...sometimes sternly...but lovingly...gets me back to where I need to be.  Lord...just as this amazing song says...."I will pursuit...I will pursuit You..."

http://youtu.be/o_pSSdF-_xY

Everything That Glitters....

Psalm 73

"Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.  But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;  I had nearly lost my foothold.  For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.  They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.  They are free from the burdens common to man;  they are not plagued by human ills.  Therefore pride is their necklace;  they clothe themselves with violence.  From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.  They scoff, and speak malice;  in their arrogance they threaten oppression.  Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth.  Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance.  They say, 'How can God know?  Does the Most High have knowledge?'  This is what the wicked are like--always carefree, they increase in wealth.  Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure;  in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.  All day long I have been plagued;  I have been punished every morning.  If I had said, 'I will speak thus,'  I would have betrayed your children.  When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me, till I entered the sanctuary of God;  then I understood their final destiny.  Surely You place them on slippery ground;  You cast them down to ruin.  How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!  As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, You will despise them as fantasies.  When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before You.  Yet I am always with You;  You hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but You?  And earth has nothing I desire besides You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Those who are far from you will perish;  You destroy all who are unfaithful to You.  But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all Your deeds."

Its easy to let the enemy tell you that you are lacking something the world has.  Its easy to believe...because we can see it all around us.  BUT, when we enter the sanctuary of God...we can see clearly through His eyes...that all the world offers will wither.  Its just fools gold.  In His presence we realize that we are His children...and we walk in intimacy with Him.  He holds us and guides us with His counsel.  What more could we want??

Come Thou Fount

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Painted Red

Painted Red
by JJ Heller


If I could not hold a pen
I would write of You on my heart instead
You have bought me with Your blood
And I am painted red by Your love

Ooh …


If I could not say a word
My life would speak of love I don’t deserve
Hope means holding on to You
Grace means You’re holding me too


"You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalms 16:11


"How can I repay the Lord for all His goodness to me?  I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.  I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all His people."  Psalm 116:12-14


"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.  Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."  Psalm 103:1-5

The Iniquity of Us All....

I recently went on a retreat with my Sunday School class to Lake Junaluska, NC.  The Lord used this time away to remind me of who He is...and of some basic truths.  One of the verses shared on the trip was Isaiah 53:6.  

"We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all."

This is certainly not a new verse to me...nor a new concept.  However, He did bring it home a little for me.  God is not surprised at all by our humanness...just as it says in this verse...we all have gone astray.  We have each wandered, meandered, ran (choose any and all that may apply!) in another direction than toward the Father.  We have all tried to accomplish dreams or desires on our own...tried to overcome a hurdle by ourselves.  None of this is new, though I did need the reminder.  The end of this verse, however, just struck me.  Yes there is forgiveness for our wanderings and disobedience.  The Bible says in Romans 8:1-2,

"There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives you life has set you free from the law of sin and death."

Basically, Jesus already died for the sin of disobediently wandering.  And we are not to walk in condemnation for that sin that has already been forgiven.  The last part of Isaiah, though, brought a tad bit of conviction for me.  I believe that life is all about balance, and this is definitely not any different.  We are not to live as condemned people because we have grace through Jesus's death on the cross.  Yet, at the same time, we should not be so careless about that gift of grace.  "The Lord laid on Him the iniquity of us all."  There is a price for our disobedience/sin....a price that He paid.

My pastor, Steven Scoggins, said in the recent past that we should not presume upon the grace of God.  That is what I believe this verse is saying.  This verse finds the balance between grace and sin.  The first part comforts by saying...we have ALL gone astray..we are human (or evidently sheep like!) and the second sobers it up with the price for the wandering.  

I think this hit me so hard because I KNOW the Lord.  I am confident in who I am in Him.  I know what the Bible says of Him and of grace.  So, I think the conviction is just in not being apathetic about the price of grace.  I know that when I sin/make the choice to disobey, He has already forgiven me and welcomes me back into His arms.  May I always find a balance and remember that it was laid on Him and that is how I am able to walk so freely with the Father.

Lord I love You! I'm so thankful for grace and the free gift of salvation...forgive me when I've taken it too lightly!

 

Lord, Here Am I

Master Thou callest, I gladly obey; 
Only direct me, and I'll find Thy way.
Teach me the mission appointed for me,
What is my labor, and where it shall be.


Master Thou callest, and this I reply
"Ready and willing, Lord, here am I."


Willing my Savior, to take up the cross;
Willing to suffer reproaches and loss,
Willing to follow, if Thou will but lead;
Only support me with grace in my need.


Master Thou callest, and this I reply
"Ready and willing, Lord, here am I."


Living, or dying, I still would be Thine;
Yet I am mortal while Thou art divine.
Pardon, whenever I turn from the right;
Pity and bring me again to the light.


Master Thou callest, and this I reply
"Ready and willing, Lord, here am I."

Nostalgia isn't always good...neither are songs that speak your heart...

Thursday

by: Jim Croce

Well, it started out just like a dream
And like a dream
I knew that what we had
Would have to end
Cause I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend

Someone to be there after all your night-time lovers
Had gone the way they came
Someone who knew the way
To help you play your daytime game
It's not the same

Well, I started out pretending
That I've come to mean enough to you
To make you want to change
Then I came to realize
That there was just too much of you

you'd have to rearrange

And I couldn't bear to wait around
For all your nighttime lovers
To go the way they came
Then it came to hurt too much for me
To have to play your daytime games
No one's to blame

It started out just like a dream
And like a dream
I knew that what we had
Would have to end

'Cause I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend
I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend

You're beautiful....you're beautiful it's true....

Have you ever had those times where you really looked at a friend or loved one and thought....that is beauty! I think women have the hardest time feeling beautiful. We have some days where we feel it and they are the BEST ones. There is nothing like feeling beautiful. I am convinced that we are all beautiful.....we, after all were made in God's image! This picture is of my GORGEOUS niece Courtney. I don't think she'll ever know how breathtakingly beautiful she is.  She has days, like today, when she feels pretty and she just exudes confidence. These days are just too few. Here is hoping that those days become more frequent for us all.  By the way.....YOU are so beautiful!!!

Turning 30...

TURNING THIRTY
Words and Music by
Randy Stonehill

I've got a house down by the ocean
The rent is not too high
And I love to watch the ships come in
And hear the seagulls cry
And lately I've been taking stock
Of all that I've been through
Oh tomorrow is my birthday
Feels funny but it's true
I'm turning thirty

Now I've got a wife who really loves me
She makes my life so sweet
And a little baby daughter
Who plays games around my feet
And my world is very different
From those lazy bachelor years
But if I had the chance to go back
I'd rather stay right here
Turning thirty, I'm turning thirty

And I have friends that care about me
They're the best I've ever had
And they always stood behind me
Whenever times got bad
And I love to play my music
Through the road can be a trial
But every time I walk on stage
It's worth each dusty mile
Turning thirty

Now thirty ain't like fifteen
And it's not like twenty-five
My back's a little stiff
And there're some lines around my eyes
But I've still got my energy
And I've got most of my hair
And I'm not too old to rock 'n roll
And I'm not really scared
Of turning thirty

Oh, the eighties look like tough times
The world is turning sour
So I'll keep on serving Jesus
And await the final hour
And though I've often failed Him
In these thirty rocky years
His mercy brought me this far
And His love has dried my tears
I'm turning thirty
I'll treasure these years
I'm turning thirty
And that's alright
I'm turning thirty
I'm turning thirty

The River

I heard this song on Pandora today for the first time.  It is a great song and just speaks the truth. I think even when things are going well we need to be reminded of Who is with us.  He is always there to be what we need in order to be used by Him.  He is always refining us...restoring us if needed.....and I love Him for that.

The River

by Chris Tomlin

When I was held up in chains
The river was free
When I was covered in stains
The river was clean
When I was losing my way
The river found me

I can see the river
I can feel the river
I'm letting go of all I hold onto
Let it wash away

When we were broken inside
The river was love
When we were thirsty and dry
You were more than enough
When we were drowning in lies
The river saved us

I'm dancing in the river
And I'll be here forever
I'm letting go of everything but You
Carry me away

Carry me away...

Sin is crouching at your door and it's desire is for you.....

Tonight was the first night of a new Bible study that I am leading.  We are reading through the Bible by splitting up the New and Old Testament.  We read some of Genesis and Matthew each day and so on and so forth.  Anywho...one of the things that really hit me like a brick was Genesis 4:7.  At this point Cain and Abel had both brought offerings to the Lord...but God found favor with Abel's (because it was the first his flock...the BEST of what he had) but did not find favor with Cain's offering.  Cain was enraged, to say the least, that his offering did not find favor with God.  

"The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast." Genesis 4:4-5

In verse six God asks Cain why he is so downcast.  Then helped Cain realize that he had a choice:

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it's desire is for you, but you must master it." Genesis 4:7

The options are to do what is right or not do what is right.  It was Cain's choice.  The Lord also revealed the consequences of doing what was not right....he warned him that sin was awaiting him.  It desired him.  He also said that it can be mastered.

To me this is applicable to us.  I KNOW that the Lord always shows me, just like He did Cain, the choice I have before I choose to do what i know is wrong.  He often gives me a glimpse of what the consequences are.  He always reminds me that Sin waits to consume me.  It is the downfall of man.  Following the right road, and doing what the Lord advises ALWAYS leads to good...ALWAYS!  I think that if I remembered the aggressive and wicked nature of sin...that it's desire is for me, then I would run...flee...escape....catapult myself as far away from it as possible.  Yet I don't...I, at times, find myself like Lot putting my tent near the sin...and end up right smack in the middle of it.

I also realized that God has given me the ability to MASTER it.  1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that God provides a way out of temptation. He does this through the Holy Spirit...the way out comes at the point where he says...you can choose to say this...or you can do what is right and refrain.  It is always there....but I act like I can't control it.  This thought is contrary to what this Scripture teaches us.  We do not have to let sin get what it craves (to consume us) we can stop it.  As He-man once said, "I have the powerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Um...yeah...well, the Lord has given the power...but nonetheless...the power is ours.

There's a Stirring Deep Within Me....

This stirring, however, is not from the Lord.  It is a restlessness that only comes from the enemy.  I know that. Yet it is hard to shake it.  I want to be like Paul and learn to be content in all situations...and, at times, I have been like that.  It is just difficult sometimes...especially when you have echoes of deceiving thoughts circling in your head; and worst of all...in your heart.  It is ONLY at times when the enemy is working his "magic" that I feel a sense of urgency to fix whatever is going on.  When the Lord stirs my heart...there is peace and a sense of calm that allows me to wait until He is finished with what He desires to do.  The Bible tells me to "Be anxious of NOTHING, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7  Which, as I remind myself of this verse....means I need to go spend some time in conversation with the One who loves my soul. I pray for you as well...if you find yourself in a similar place.

Shout out to Carl for helping me redesign my blog! Thanks Carl!

As Iron Sharpens Iron...

I have known, but sometimes forget, how blessed I have been in my life with godly friendships. It is such a blessing to have like-minded women (and men on occasion) to walk with on this journey. I truly believe that the Lord knows the struggles we face...the difficulties and heartache that this life can bring....and therefore...allows us to have each other. He made us relational beings so we can lift each other up...lean on one another...carry each other's burdens. So that we may sharpen each other and spur one another on toward good deeds. I have been so fortunate in every stage of my Christian life to have such people around me. I pray that I have been as good a friend to them as they all have been to me.

Recently, I have been struggling a bit with where I am in life. (More posts to come about that I'm sure) The Lord has opened conversations with several friends and myself that has just allowed TRUTH to be poured into my heart like a salve. I'm so grateful for this. One sweet friend passed this song along to me...and it has been a blessing. It is such a spirit lifter and reminder of who we are in Him...and who He is to us.

Take Heart My Friend

by Fernando Ortega

Take heart, my friend, we'll go together
This uncertain road that lies ahead
Our faithful God has always gone before
And He will lead the way once again

Take heart, my friend, we can walk together
And if our burdens become too great
We can hold up and help one another
In God's love, in God's grace

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night

If we should falter when trouble surrounds us
When the wind and the waves are wild and high
We will look away to Him who rules the waters;
Who speaks His peace into the angry tide

He is our comfort, our sustainer
He is our help in time of need
When we wander, He is our Shepherd
He who watches over us never sleeps

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender every night

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night.

Lord, I am unworthy of Your mercy and grace....may I show my thankfulness by striving to follow hard after You!

You Blockhead!

Do you ever feel like Charlie Brown? Does it ever seem like you can't get it right? At times I feel like this...I have such potential (as our beloved Charlie does) but I just get in my own way. This results in me being a blockhead! I feel that I have at my fingertips the ability to achieve my hearts desire. This has been a plague over me for a while now...but I feel a change in the air. A change in my heart. I have been so renewed with this new beginning that is 2010! I feel that I have my focus back and I'm ready to charge forward. Oh Father...how I am anticipating what you have in store for me. I pray that I'm faithfully following hard after you this year! I'm ready...here am I send me!

My Desire

by Jeremy Camp

You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King

[Chorus:]
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

[Chorus]

All my life I have seen where you've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done so I give my hands to use

[Chorus]

Moving on Sometimes Takes Music and the Truth-even when it hurts!

"The Devil In Me"

sung by Kate Voegele

Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?

Took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died

Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain

So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me

Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights
The end of October felt like a lifetime

I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right

You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better

[Chorus]

And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining
The sensation of no Novocain

[Chorus]

I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part

Ego-Feeding and Fearing the unknown

I'm kind of hoping this post just floats into space and doesn't get noticed...its mostly for me. Yet perhaps its for other women out there that are similar...maybe I'm not the only female cursed with this affliction. I'm not really quite sure when it started but I do know that it is a pattern that only I can break. You see....I'm an ego-feeder....I notoriously find myself in weird and unhealthy situations with males where my part is just to hang around a bit and compliment them enough to feed their ego. Who wouldn't want someone in their life that they don't have to at the least take out on a date...and at the most commit to in a dating relationship...and yet will still make them feel great about themselves and spend quality time with them. I'm pretty sure it started in seminary...with two different fellas. You'd think I'd learn from then to now...but turns out...it must be innate within me. I'm not sure how to get past this crazy disease?! I'm pretty certain that this whole dating thing should not be this hard...why am I so eager to fill a role that should come only after I've been given some sort of comittment (again at the least an official date) in return. I have been resolved to believe that I think more of myself than being so desperate....resolved to think that I'm not desperate at all. Then why does it keep happening. And why are these fellas so incapable of putting themselves out there and asking me and my phenominally amazing friends out?? I mean we've all been hurt....but you have to be willing to risk it in order to get something good to come out of that hurt. It will always just remain a pain in your heart until you make yourself vulnerable and allow something better to come in and erase it. I'm sorry for what those evil women did to hurt you in the past...but you know what? I'm not her...my spectacular friends are not her either...we are us and are equally vulnerable in these situations. But it MUST be worth it...at some point...with someone....love can bring healing.....it can make you forget. I believe C.S. Lewis has it right...(of course)....“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” So here's hoping...that I will be smarter with my ego-feeding ways....and with balancing the vulnerability with wisdom. And here's knowing that I have my Father who cares about it all....and who knows what is best....and who can teach me about this chaos that is dating at this stage of life. Praise God that I know....I am His....and He has a plan....may I just not be so distracted by the desires of my heart and be able to focus fully on Him!

I'm back!

It has been soo long since I last posted...I doubt anyone still blogs anymore! I miss blogging...it is such a great outlet for my thoughts! So, I'm hoping to keep this thing updated...we'll see how it goes. I'll post more soon! :)

Ten years ago today.

It started like any other day. I woke up even though I didn't want to, got ready for school and headed out the door. That is where the normality of October 18, 1996 ended. It was ended by a white ford ranger. Ten years ago I was in an accident that I should not have been able to walk away from. I was broadsided (on my side of the car) by a truck. He was going 55 mph (in a 25mph zone) and I was barely going 5 mph. I woke up after being hit, cut off the radio (which I always thought was weird) and found myself facing the direction I had just come from. I had been spun several times by the impact of the blow. A man ran up to my window and asked if I was okay...I asked him if I could get out of the car...he told me I had glass in my ear, and then he removed it for me. Of course, it all felt like a dream. The damage from the crash completely totaled my car. I walked away from the accident with a bruised hip from where the door smashed in on me, scratches on my neck from the seatbelt I was wearing and a sore neck from being smacked upside the head at 55 mph!
My wreck has been on my mind all day long. I've thought over and over about what all has happened to me in the last ten years. I've met some amazing people and some I'd rather have not met. I have seen beautiful places here in my country and in two other countries. I've had the opportunity to be used by Him to change the lives of those around me...and I've chosen to miss opportunities to change lives. There are many things I'm proud of in those ten years. Yet I am not proud of where I am today. I hit a few bumps the road. Each bump was medium in impact, yet each chiseled away slowly at my core. The last bump proved to be too much for me. I feel the enemy won those battles. So today, I think to myself, should be a day of change. No longer will I allow myself to dwell in the heaviness of disappointments. I cannot keep this snail-like pace of getting back to where I must be. I have a purpose that I am reminded of when I think of that wreck. My life could have easily been taken. I've known that the Lord wants to use me in a big way....but I'm always holding myself back. I wish that I could say that I'm ready to "dive in" today, but I'm not. I am ready, however, for change. I'm ready to live with a purpose. I'm ready to get back to the mentality that life is simply opportunity for ministry everyday. I want to be able to say, at then end of the next decade, that I did my best to live God's purpose for my life. I want to be a servant. I want to be known as a servant. I want to have the heart of Jesus and the drive of Martha and the passion of Peter with the humility of David and the ability to teach like Paul. I pray that I do not live defeated. Father, help me not to live defeated. I know You are not done with me and I'm so thankful for the reminder!