Healing

I was reminded this week of what life was like for me before Seminary. I was reminded of the fact that there was someone responsible for stealing my joy. I was reminded that there is, in fact, something to look forward to. It is amazing to me how simple healing is sometimes. The right word or analogy can change a life in a split second. I remember before seminary a person that I loved. She was hopeful, joyful, innocent to a fault, trusting, outgoing, optimistic and so many other wonderful qualities. It was me! I remembered this week what it was like to walk in the intimacy that is ours for the taking. Not with a beloved, but with the Beloved! My relationship with the Father was more intimate than any relationship that I have ever known. I was confident in that intimacy to the point of looking like a fool. There were a few times where I was convinced that the Lord was using His creation to speak directly to me! I was reminded this week of what closeness those times brought. To think that the one who created the stars was using them to touch my heart was mind-blowing! Yet, I believe with all my heart that it happened. Somehow an unfortunate thing occurred.....I allowed a place and some people to take away these possibilities....To take away the intimacy. After all, who am I that God would choose to speak to me like that. Why would he bother? Surely, I had made it up. And how could I possibly know Him if I hadn't taken such and such a class...Or how could I possibly understand His word if I hadn't read the writings of the "Founding Fathers." Its amazing the different masks that the enemy wears.....He even wears some of our own. It sure didn't look like him when I was first looking. So, I forgot about the intimacy and in doing so.....I lost the only thing in life that I have to look forward to. The only thing that will never let me down in life is His love for me, His desire for my heart, and the intimacy that comes from knowing Him. I put up a fight for it all at first....Mostly out of innocence, but also because from what I've read in His word....I wasn't wrong. After a while I tired of it. Having it come from all sides just squashed me like a bug. I was screaming on the inside and did the worst possible thing......I shut down. I completely gave in to the weight of it all and took a hiatus on life. I left them all behind and crawled in a hole. I stopped pursuing a growing faith and settled for a simple truth that I believed the bible and that was enough for me. That is until now. When I remebered how sweet it was to have Him speak to me....Directly to me, so clearly, I knew that I had let it go and I wanted it back. So that is where I am and where I continually want to be, striving for the deepest intimacy that I can have with Him. Even now He speaks to my heart....Reminding me that He wants this too. By no means do I think He needs me to be intimate with Him.....Its even better....He wants me to! He has invited me to! There is nothing better in life than knowing that! For all of you who have prayed for me, I am inexpressibly grateful. You are all dear to my heart and I love you.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1